15 of the best quotes from The Big Bang Theory

 

The 15 conversations/quotes I have listed below are among my many personal favourites. If you have any of your own, do share them below!

1.

Sheldon: I made tea. 
Leonard: I don’t want tea. 
Sheldon: I didn’t make tea for you. This is my tea. 
Leonard: Then why are you telling me? 
Sheldon: It’s a conversation starter. 
Leonard: That’s a lousy conversation starter. 
Sheldon: Oh, is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.

2.

Sheldon: Why are you crying? 
Penny: Because I’m stupid! 
Sheldon: That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

3.

Raj: I don’t like bugs, okay? They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

4.

Leonard: For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?  
Sheldon (intrigued): You have a sarcasm sign?

5.

Sheldon: Under normal circumstances I’d say I told you so. But, as I have told so with such vehemence and frequency already the phrase has lost all meaning. Therefore, I will be replacing it with the phrase, I have informed you thusly.

6.

Sheldon: Proxima Centauri’s the nearest star. The celestial bodies that follow are:
Alpha Centauri A, Toli, Barnard’s Star, Wolf 359, Laland 21185, Sirius A, Sirius B, BL Ceti, UV Ceti, Ross 154, Ross 248, Epsilon Eridani,? Lac 9352, Ross 128, EZ Aquarii A, EZ Aquarii B,? EZ Aquarii C, Procyon A.
Those are the stars that are nearest to me,
Tra la la and fiddle dee dee!

7.

Sheldon: Is my hamburger medium-well? 
Leonard: Yes. 
Sheldon: Dill slices not sweet? 
Leonard: Yes. 
Sheldon: Individual relish packets? 
Leonard: Yes. 
Sheldon: Onion rings? 
Leonard: Yes. 
Sheldon: Extra-breading? 
Leonard: I asked. 
Sheldon: What did they say? 
Leonard: No. 
Sheldon: Did you protest? 
Leonard: Yes. 
Sheldon: Vociferously? 
Leonard: No. 
Sheldon: Well, then what took you so long?

8.

Wolowitz (watching America’s Next Top Model): Oh, look! That’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait! That’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of… what a coincidence… is the future Mrs. Wolowitz. 
Leonard: Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother. The current Mrs. Wolowitz.

9.

(Arguing over the name for their team after having jointly decided to take part in the University Physics Bowl:) 
Sheldon: Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures thus intimidating one’s opponent. 
Raj: Then we could be the Bengal tigers. 
Sheldon: Poor choice. You know, gram for gram no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant. 
Raj: Maybe so, but you can’t incinerate a Bengal tiger with a magnifying glass.

10.

Wolowitz: Raj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates?
Priya: Oh, God, you’re kidding.
Raj: No, Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterwards and said, “Maybe if you weren’t so distracted by sick children in Africa you could have put a little more thought into Windows Vista.”

11.

Stephanie: So, how was your day? 
Leonard: Y’know, I’m a physicist – I thought about stuff.
Stephanie: That’s it?
Leonard: I wrote some of it down.

12.

Leonard: I had a great idea. Do you know how we’re always having to stop and solve differential equations, like when you’re doing Fourier equations or using the Schroedinger equation?
Sheldon: Howard doesn’t, he’s only an engineer.

13.

Leonard: I love cheesecake. 
Sheldon: You’re lactose-intolerant. 
Leonard: I don’t eat it. I just think it’s a good idea.

14.

Sheldon: *On cinoyter screen* Greetings, hamburger toucher. You are probably wondering why you cannot IM with your little friends about how much you heart various things. Well, this recorded message is alerting you that I am putting an end to your parasitic piggybacking upon our WiFi. If you want to remedy the situation you can contact the phone company, set up your own WiFi and pay for it, or you may apologize to me.
Penny: Well?
Leonard: I reiterate, knuckle under.
Penny: No, no, no, no, no. It is on. I am gonna introduce your friend to a world of hurt.
Leonard: Oh, Penny, you don’t want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy is one lab accident away from being a supervillain.

15.

Sheldon: I need your help in a matter of semiotics.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Semiotics, the study of signs and symbols as a branch of the philosophy related to linguistics.
Penny: Okay, honey, I know you think you are explaining yourself, but you’re really not.

The opening scene in ‘The Importance of Being Ernest’

This is the first scene of the first act (set in Algernon Moncrieff’s flat in Half-Moon Street, W.) in Oscar Wilde’s much worshipped timeless, classic, satiric play, ‘The Importance of Being Ernest.’ Algernon is the man of the house and Lane his butler.

Morning Room. Luxuriously and artificially furnished. The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room. LANE is arranging afternoon tea on the table and, after the music has ceased, ALGERNON enters.]

Algernon: Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?
Lane: I didn’t think it polite to listen, sir.
Algernon: I am sorry for that, for your sake. I don’t play accurately–anyone can play accurately–but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life.
Lane: Yes, sir.
Algernon: And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell?
Lane: Yes, sir. [Hands them on a salver.] Algernon [Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.]: Oh!… by the way, Lane, I see form your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed.
Lane: Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint.
Algernon: Why is it that at a bachelor’s establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information.
Lane: I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.
Algernon: Good heavens! Is marriage so demoralising as that?
Lane: I believe it is a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present. I have only been married once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.
Algernon [languidly]: I don’t know that I am much interested in your family life, Lane.
Lane: No sir; it is not a very interesting subject. I never think of it myself.
Algernon: Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thank you.
Lane: Thank you, sir.

[Lane goes out]

Algernon: Lane’s views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if the lower orders don’t set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them? They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility!